Posts Tagged ‘tolerence’

On Space Monkeys.

February 15, 2010
Do the Monkey.

I guess in general I can’t find much to really complain about.  Nothing especially interesting anyway.  Sometimes I’m a little hungrier then I’d like to be, sometimes a little lonelier but it all passes pretty quickly.  It’s just these goddamn space monkeys. I don’t know.  They get to me.  I try to be tolerant I really do.  I find myself getting upset and I remind myself that they’re monkeys.  They act like people and talk like people – except for that weird speech impediment they’ve all got – but they’re monkeys.  We’re not even the same species, we’re going to have some different viewpoints.  There’s just certain things that no matter how hard I try, they get right up under my skin.  I once made the mistake of moving in with a space monkey.  It must have been early summer the way the banana peels began to smell in the heat.  It’s a smell permanently trapped in my nose, one that makes its presence known at unpredictable intervals with uncontrollable intensity.  I’ll be eating dinner with a friend and all of a sudden all I can smell is rotten banana and dinner is over.  It’s really an unfortunate affliction.  Trying to sue a space monkey for emotional distress is seriously challenging.  The Space Monkey Civil Rights and Liberties Union (or SMCRLU) retains some of the best and most aggressive attorneys available and with the ambiguous nature of legal precedents involving space monkeys, it can be a real mess in a courtroom.

Now I mostly steer clear of the space monkeys as best I can but every once in a while there is the unavoidable encounter and I just get so frustrated.  I know I’m not supposed to feel that way, it’s wrong to dislike a space monkey for being a space monkey and I hate myself for it sometimes but Jesus Christ these fuckers get on my nerves.

It started on a Sunday, I remember.  I was sitting at a bar around noon having a brunch of Screwdrivers and Pabst blue ribbon beers when a crew of space monkeys walked in and started making a ruckus.  They were the rudest bunch of… I want to say people but sentients is the currently accepted PC term to describe both the human and monkey population.  In any case they were rude.  They screamed orders at the bartenders they were overly loud in a room that before their arrival had been semi-filled with quiet alcoholics nursing their drinks like medicine, they were mean and derisive towards everyone who even so much as tossed a look their way.  They felt invincible, above reproach.  They were taking advantage of the kindness that had been shown them by the community and abusing it badly and I told them so.  I was nearly booed out of the room, I was told to be more understanding and tolerant by drunks that didn’t like these monkeys anymore than I did.  They were just too afraid and guilty to say so.  I immediately began to see a problem.  Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and say, “a douche-bag is a douche-bag”, regardless or race, creed, color or species.


A Lemming Seeks to Clear Up a Misunderstanding. Then Gets Angry and Threatens the Human Race.

February 13, 2010

I am Lemming. Hear me Roar.

Dear several small animals,

I’d like to start by saying thank you for allowing me this forum to clear up some false rumors that have been floating around about my people. Let us begin.


 Lemmings do not and have not ever engaged in mass suicide. The now ubiquitous video clip that shows huge numbers of Lemmings jumping to their death off of a tall cliff was staged. Seriously. Our people were pushed off the cliff by Disney executives. That is not mass suicide. That is mass murder. That we have not since risen up against the humans is only a sign of our tolerant and gracious nature and not to be confused with weakness. To underscore the dangerousness of under estimating the power of the Lemming people I come before you today with an ultimatum. Enough is enough. We will no longer sit back and allow our good name to be sullied by silly humans. You are a dull and capricious race and we have no more patience for you. You are the ones who engage in mass suicide. Jonestown, Order of the Solar Temple, Heaven’s Gate, the Japanese generally. Don’t try and project your worst qualities onto us.

As I said I come bearing an ultimatum. This rumor of suicidal Lemmings, with all of the pop-culture references included (I played Golden-Eye, we are not amused by the “lemming award”) must cease. I don’t care what this takes. Public service announcements, special Lemming awareness days for first and second graders, you do whatever you have to do. But know this: If in ten years time that rumor has not been sufficiently dispelled we will attack. We are already enriching Uranium and expect to have the entire Lemming community equipped with fully operational nuclear weaponry by 2012. Please don’t let it come to this. You started this rumor, now fix it. Or else.