Posts Tagged ‘Birthdays’

My Next Birthday

January 17, 2010


 Scenario 1:

My friends and I are gathered together in a convenient location to buy lots of alcohol.  We all get drunk and everyone leaves slightly miffed after I pass out in a pool of my own vomit.  I make no calls to apologize the next day.  We can call this scenario “the control”.

Scenario 2:

A large plastic children’s pool is filled with Jell-O and live goldfish.  Naked women wrestle naked men in the pool and bets are placed on everything from the frequency of genital contact, to the number of squished goldfish that will be peeled from their bodies at the conclusion of the fight.  This is to continue for the duration of the party.  In fact, the end of the party will be announced when no one wishes to continue wrestling any longer.

 Scenario 3:

“Lineman for the County” by Glenn Campbell is played on repeat for the duration of the party.  Other than this it is EXACTLY like scenario one.

 Scenario 4:

In the early morning the ritual begins.  Forty-eight people in twenty-four two-man cow suits crafted from pieces of discarded carpet squares come down from the mountain like dervishes, dancing and twirling.  A giant and complicated cow dance ensues.  Suddenly, twelve people dressed like Michael Jordan meet with twelve others dressed like Scotty Pippen.  The cows run from the Bulls.  From above, a giant poster of Lebron James is lowered while the Michael Jordans and the Scotty Pippens do lay-up drills.  Lebron’s image covers the lay-up drills and the lights are dimmed for one minute.  Witches enter from stage right carrying incense and buckets of pig blood.  They sway slightly while spilling pig blood out of their buckets in light sprinkles using pages ripped from bestiality magazines and chanting in Pig Latin.  They do this for eight minutes and thirty-two seconds.  Eighteen calves are then led by sixteen clowns to a sacrificial alter where the clowns are promptly executed.  The clown execution is followed by a parade that leads from the mountainous wilderness to a dive bar filled with elephant waste.  After a brief elephant scat party, we shower and retire to a cleaner bar in a dirtier part of town that is filled with drugs and liquor and at least four more prostitutes than there are members of the party.  There are few survivors.

 Scenario 5:

A small army of children dressed as penguins is assembled.  We assign half of them blue headbands and half of them red headbands.  They are also assigned names and back stories for their penguin characters.  The two teams go to war, periodically sending letters to their imaginary families in the character of their penguin personas.  They survive on penguin army rations of blueberry pudding – or “freedom berry” pudding as it is called in the red camp – and begin amassing more sophisticated weaponry.  A cold war begins.  Both sides stockpile weapons and engage in dangerous clandestine operations.  The blue penguin known as Jeremiah Ether, code name Filo One, is caught behind enemy lines and tortured for 46 straight hours until he releases valuable information on blue penguin covert technology.  When it is discovered by the blue penguin nation, or National Blue Penguin People’s Democratic Kingdom as they now prefer to be known, that Mr. Ether has turned over this information, he is beheaded by order of the Blue Penguin Ruler, Grand Pubah Marshall Quasiquotámous, who is now of the opinion that he is the direct descendent of God.  Somewhere along the way more than a few of my friends leave the party due to strong moral objections.  I can only shrug at their fragile sensitivities.