Archive for the ‘Chance Meetings With Unsavory Characters’ Category

A Chance Meeting: David Koresh

April 27, 2010

Savior? No. Crazy? You bet'cha.

I was walking down the street a few days ago, paying little attention to where I was going when I bumped into someone. As I looked up I noticed that the stranger looked an awful lot like David Koresh. “You look just like David Koresh,” I said, feeling super clever.   

“The one and only,” Koresh said in a weirdly calm voice. “Come with me my son and I will tell you my tale.” I agreed on the condition that we stay in well populated areas with lots of fire exits. He then told me one of the strangest stories I’ve ever heard. I mean I’ve said some weird shit in my day but wow. The stuff that came out of this guy’s mouth was SUPER crazy. He told me about this theory he has on how hotdogs are the perfect embodiment of the soul’s struggle to be released from its mortal coil. That’s why they explode in the microwave.

We grabbed a drink later on while he told me about why the sun has issues with its mother. I ordered a beer and he ordered wine.

“Couldn’t you have just gotten water?” I laughed. He didn’t seem amused at my miracle humor. He started talking about his new-found fondness for the word “Otter.”

“It is slippery in my mouth,” he said, “like the meat of the animal it represents.” I told him I was going to need a stronger drink.


A Chance Meeting: Saddam Hussein

March 16, 2010
Evil Dictator. Smooth 12 foot jumper.

I was walking down the street today when I saw a man that looked just like Saddam Hussein. “I thought he was dead,” I thought to myself.

“Nope, still kicking,” Saddam said.

“Holy shit, he can read my thoughts.”  

“I’m not reading your thoughts,” he said, “You’ve been talking out loud this whole time.”

“I should really apologize to this woman I saw before I ran into you,” I said. “So wait, you’re him, I mean-uh, you’re you, you’re really Saddam Hussein?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, “But let’s just keep that between us. There are some folks who are still pretty unhappy with me.”  Saddam motioned for us to walk and talk. He spoke openly about his ordeal. I guess it had been weighing on him pretty heavy. The execution had been a fake, the guy on the cell phone video was an imposter. “Why do you think they leaked a cell phone video?” he asked. Pretty easy to fake one of those. For a while he had to stay cooped up in this tiny apartment in Red Hook. These days it seemed like most people had forgotten all about him so he’s started trying to get out a little during the week. He said he was on the way to play some basketball with some friends and asked if I wanted to play. How could I say no?

Let me tell you something about Saddam Hussein. He has a great mid-range jump shot. Smooth as silk. Trash-talker too. It became a little easier to remember that he had recently been employed as a brutal dictator after seeing him on the court.   I wanted to bring it up. I kept trying to work up the nerve to ask him about it. The murder and the genocide. He seemed so agreeable now. Like a hip basketball playing grandfather. I could never bring myself to do it. I’m supposed to call him Thursday for some two-on-two.