Archive for the ‘Animal Talk’ Category

A Reasonable Conversation with a Nice Polar Bear.

April 28, 2010

I went to the zoo the other day and started chatting with one of the polar bears, like I usually do on Tuesday afternoons.

“There are two kinds of people in the world,” I said.

“How convenient.”

“There are those of us that talk with polar bears at the zoo, and those that do not.”

“You mean the crazy and the sane?”

“Careful with the pejoratives,” I said. “If it wasn’t for those of us that talk to polar bears, your days would be so much less interesting.”

“Okay,” she said, “fair enough.”

“And besides, just because some of us are crazy, doesen’t make as all crazy,” I said. “I mean you’ve got you’re Polar Bear fetishists and whatever…”

“Oh Yeah.”

“And, I mean, you’ve got the guys who are just, like, really out there,” I said.

“Them too.”

“But they’d talk to anything,” I said. “To them you’re no different than like a shoe or a wall. They’d be talking regardless of whether or not they thought anybody was actually listening.”

“Yeah,” she said, “Glenn Beck was just up here a little while ago. Talk about crazy.”

“Exactly,” I said, “That dude’s nuts.”


On Being Eaten

February 13, 2010

Well, this can go down a few ways. In the wild they’ll just start eating you as soon as they get you down. This means there’s a good chance you’re gonna be alive for more of it then you really want to be. Your best bet is that they take you by the throat from the get go. Kill you right off. Many predators are not that thoughtful or kind. In fact, good money says more than a few of them get off on your being alive while they go at it.  

Then there’s captivity. Many times this can make being eaten alive look like a walk in the park. The thing about captivity is that it’s sometimes every bit as painful as being eaten alive but it lasts so much longer. You’ll bleed to death or lose consciousness in a matter of minutes when you’ve got a lion chowing down on your entrails. In captivity, they keep you alive for years. Unless you’re veal. That would, of course, have its own disadvantages.

All this thought about being eaten of course tends to lead one to a search for meaning. Is it more noble to be eaten by a bear or a lion then to become, say, dog food? Or a McDonalds hamburger? In the words of the great Wesley Willis, “McDonalds hamburgers are the worst.” You can easily imagine that there is some utility in becoming a bear’s dinner. It’s the circle of life, as Disney tells us. But a Big Mac? Far from the circle of life, if you become a Big Mac you are likely contributing to someone’s untimely demise. McDonalds does not sustain, it destroys. You die just to become an agent of evil, your death contributing to other deaths. Heart failure, type 2 diabetes in children. What the fuck is that?

For my money, if I’m going out as an unhealthy indulgence, I’ll tell you exactly what I’d like to become. Slow cooked barbeque. Now, I’m not a pig (and I’d tell you if I were, I know a number of great pigs. They get a bad rap but they’re tremendous folks, those pigs) and being from North Carolina I believe very strongly that barbeque equals pork. No exceptions.  But if we could stretch the rules, that’s the artery clogging food product I’d most like to become. If you’re going to be an unhealthy meal you should at least taste good. Not like McDonalds. I guess what I’m really saying is that I’d rather be eaten alive or tortured in captivity and slowly roasted in a barbeque pit then become a McDonald’s hamburger.