Archive for April, 2010

A Reasonable Conversation with a Nice Polar Bear.

April 28, 2010

I went to the zoo the other day and started chatting with one of the polar bears, like I usually do on Tuesday afternoons.

“There are two kinds of people in the world,” I said.

“How convenient.”

“There are those of us that talk with polar bears at the zoo, and those that do not.”

“You mean the crazy and the sane?”

“Careful with the pejoratives,” I said. “If it wasn’t for those of us that talk to polar bears, your days would be so much less interesting.”

“Okay,” she said, “fair enough.”

“And besides, just because some of us are crazy, doesen’t make as all crazy,” I said. “I mean you’ve got you’re Polar Bear fetishists and whatever…”

“Oh Yeah.”

“And, I mean, you’ve got the guys who are just, like, really out there,” I said.

“Them too.”

“But they’d talk to anything,” I said. “To them you’re no different than like a shoe or a wall. They’d be talking regardless of whether or not they thought anybody was actually listening.”

“Yeah,” she said, “Glenn Beck was just up here a little while ago. Talk about crazy.”

“Exactly,” I said, “That dude’s nuts.”

A Chance Meeting: David Koresh

April 27, 2010

Savior? No. Crazy? You bet'cha.

I was walking down the street a few days ago, paying little attention to where I was going when I bumped into someone. As I looked up I noticed that the stranger looked an awful lot like David Koresh. “You look just like David Koresh,” I said, feeling super clever.   

“The one and only,” Koresh said in a weirdly calm voice. “Come with me my son and I will tell you my tale.” I agreed on the condition that we stay in well populated areas with lots of fire exits. He then told me one of the strangest stories I’ve ever heard. I mean I’ve said some weird shit in my day but wow. The stuff that came out of this guy’s mouth was SUPER crazy. He told me about this theory he has on how hotdogs are the perfect embodiment of the soul’s struggle to be released from its mortal coil. That’s why they explode in the microwave.

We grabbed a drink later on while he told me about why the sun has issues with its mother. I ordered a beer and he ordered wine.

“Couldn’t you have just gotten water?” I laughed. He didn’t seem amused at my miracle humor. He started talking about his new-found fondness for the word “Otter.”

“It is slippery in my mouth,” he said, “like the meat of the animal it represents.” I told him I was going to need a stronger drink.