A Lemming Seeks to Clear Up a Misunderstanding. Then Gets Angry and Threatens the Human Race.

I am Lemming. Hear me Roar.

Dear several small animals,

I’d like to start by saying thank you for allowing me this forum to clear up some false rumors that have been floating around about my people. Let us begin.


 Lemmings do not and have not ever engaged in mass suicide. The now ubiquitous video clip that shows huge numbers of Lemmings jumping to their death off of a tall cliff was staged. Seriously. Our people were pushed off the cliff by Disney executives. That is not mass suicide. That is mass murder. That we have not since risen up against the humans is only a sign of our tolerant and gracious nature and not to be confused with weakness. To underscore the dangerousness of under estimating the power of the Lemming people I come before you today with an ultimatum. Enough is enough. We will no longer sit back and allow our good name to be sullied by silly humans. You are a dull and capricious race and we have no more patience for you. You are the ones who engage in mass suicide. Jonestown, Order of the Solar Temple, Heaven’s Gate, the Japanese generally. Don’t try and project your worst qualities onto us.

As I said I come bearing an ultimatum. This rumor of suicidal Lemmings, with all of the pop-culture references included (I played Golden-Eye, we are not amused by the “lemming award”) must cease. I don’t care what this takes. Public service announcements, special Lemming awareness days for first and second graders, you do whatever you have to do. But know this: If in ten years time that rumor has not been sufficiently dispelled we will attack. We are already enriching Uranium and expect to have the entire Lemming community equipped with fully operational nuclear weaponry by 2012. Please don’t let it come to this. You started this rumor, now fix it. Or else.




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