Dear God: A Professional Appeal from a Desperate Earth

Dear God,

 It has come to my attention that you are perhaps in a little over your head with your current responsibilities.  While I appreciate the difficult nature of your job and I understand that this is a stressful time for everyone, I have to say I am disappointed in your recent performance.  I am very much on your side here God and I would like nothing more than to see you succeed.  In that spirit, I am proposing an all out PR campaign, sort of an image booster-shot, and I ask that you please consider carefully what I believe to be in both of our best interests.     

 As you are well aware your clout here on earth has been slipping tremendously in recent years.  You have lost most of the young professional demographic between the ages of 21-35.  These are the people responsible for shaping public opinion, appealing to them is crucial to repairing your image. Additionally, you need to win back some talent.  Athletes and bad artists are just not going to cut it anymore.  You’re going to need to stop coasting and rebuild your art and music departments.  The state of Gospel music today is regrettable.  Whatever happened to the Soul Stirrers and other groups of that caliber?  Let’s face facts God, things just haven’t been the same since the pop world stole Sam Cooke.  That’s our challenge.  We have to get back to those standards.  You used to have Michelangelo and Bach, now you’ve got angel portraits and Christian Rock.  Unacceptable.

 I suggest a commercial campaign in which you appear as a distinguished and smartly dressed young woman.  We will pan in from a wide shot in which you are sitting with a large ledger in an overstuffed chair in what appears to be a large study.  As the camera pans in for a tight shot you will look up from your ledger and remove your glasses.  You will look serious but hopeful. Think Barack Obama circa 2008.  

 I have compiled and attached a list of people that I believe to be highly trustworthy and feel strongly that if given a shot will prove indispensable to your current operation.  Please consider these men and women carefully as they are highly valued in their current positions and, if they are going to be offered positions as angels, profits, or sub-deities, they will need at least two weeks to make the appropriate arrangements.


Several Small Animals

Public Relations Department


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